for sue

Dear Sue,

How are you?

I've been traveling a lot since we decided to end things. Been fooling myself into thinking that escaping to all these places and laughing with old friends will eliminate the pain that has taken over my wasted heart. No one can see the tears hidden behind my laughter, my smile. I've convinced everyone that everything is okay and I'm doing fine. I've managed to fool everyone, all except myself. I've never been great with dealing with my emotions. You know that.

I understand you may be sad, upset or furious but I hope that soon, you will come to understand that I did what I had to do to protect you, because I do care. I know you don't want to hear from me, or even listen to what I have to say.

I do love you, please believe me. You have carved a permanent place in my heart and I know it will remain there for a very long time. You have shown me life, you have shown me real love. It is because of this love that I am forced to let you go. You don't see it now but I know in my heart and in my head that you deserve a good life, a good future, all of which I cannot provide. In the time we've been together I have seen you look at life with such joy and speak of your plans of a family with such love in your eyes that it pains me to know I may not be able to give you the life that you dream of. You deserve more. You deserve more than what I can give you. My life has been such a mess with my own personal troubles and I can't stand having to take you along in my ugly ride. I had to let you go. I had to. I couldn't wait for the moment when you realize and wonder why you were ever with me. It's sounds selfish, I know, but I can't sit and wait for the time when you'll look at me with resentment, frustration and (I fear) hate. I wanted you to go with the thought that for a time, I had the privilege of making you happy. The sound of your laughter will forever be a source of comfort for me. The image of your smile will remain in my thoughts and will serve as a reminder that once, I had the love of a wonderful woman.

Love is so short. Forgetting is so long.

You deserve the world, my darling Sue. If you can only imagine my sense of defeat knowing it is not I who can give it to you. There will be another, and he will make you so happy. Not that you need anyone, anyway. You have always been whole, unlike most, who rely on others to complete themselves. You are a rarity, my dear girl. Special in more ways than you may think.

In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

You may choose to look at my words with hate and disdain. You are allowed to do so. But in time, you will see my intentions are real. I love you so much my painful heart is screaming for doing this. It would be selfish of me to keep you from real joy. I will be content in knowing I helped lead you to it.

Thank you for making me believe in the existence of profound happiness. You will be in my thoughts forever.

love,
Bill

*verses lifted from Pablo Neruda's Tonight, I can write.

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